what i really wanted to say

I have been struggling with voice the past little while. Every time I go to put words down in cyber-space, I choke up; I type furiously and then erase. It seems when blogger is open, I alter my words for some audience outside of myself. I get frustrated. It feels contrived. I feel like I may never write truthfully, for the heart, ever again. And then I make my way to this blog, and suddenly all things are more meaningful again. I am reminded of the life that I want to lead. I am inspired by the future, of how things might be in our very own home, and eventually with little ones running around. Such soulful words and images, always, that fill me with compassion. That is where I want to be. And so I open a word document and I begin, no pressure.

Yesterday we drove home from Ikea and the late afternoon sky was bright pink, the kind that makes you want to stare in amazement. You noticed it, not I. I was clutching the steering wheel, letting the stress of winter driving and traffic creep up my rigid spine. The bitter part of me was frustrated that you would want me to turn my attention away from our safety to observe something for a fleeting second. How ridiculous of me. I see so clearly now that I was looking for an argument, frustrated about being sick, about the blah-ness going on with my family, about crowds of pushy people and the kicker as always, not having our own space yet. Why would I choose to take it out on you – you, the only person who fully listens to me and is compassionate and giving and true and loves me when I’m coughing and congested and feeling disgusting. Why couldn’t I just give in to that sky and acknowledge its beauty rather than mumble some half-assed “hmm” probably too low and monotone for you to have even noticed. Upon reflection, I can see quite clearly those moments where the rift widens if we’ll let it. Imagine 25 years of this game? Please, let’s not.

A few minutes later, I told you how lucky I was to have gotten a contract in Kindergarten for two years in a row. You asked me with a sly smile if I really thought it was luck. I shrugged and said I think so, plugged into the thoughts of others and letting them influence me, as usual. The truth is, how I really feel is right here, in these words from my favorite blog. This is what I know you meant and how I truly feel but was unable to put into words…

(from my topography)
What do you want to manifest?
I believe in this. I believe in it deeply. I have found again and again and again that the things I ask for manifest when I ask clearly, when I put my greatest, deepest wishes into the palms of the universe to hold.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and endless plans.
That the moment one definitely commits oneself then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never have otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Begin it now. ~Goethe

So. What do you wish to begin this year? What is the wildest, truest thing that you want to have happen?
….


Well my dreams for us this year are as follows:
To continue creating, day in and day out. Scrapbooking, writing, DIY projects, jewelry. We need to get back into jewelry, just as soon as the space permits. I am most inspired and alive when doing these things.

I want to capture our journeys through photographs, scrapbooking, journaling, blogging.

Job-wise, I will continue this contract until the end of the school year, and then come late August, I will be on the call-back list, of this I am sure. Of course we don’t know what grade or what exact percentage I will be offered (I am confident 80-100) but my greatest wish is to stay right where I am (grade-wise, or at least cycle 1). I know I am mean to be here. I am hoping the connections I have made this year will be a huge help in that department.

For you, I wish you continued success in your practice. I believe in you from the bottom of my heart and know you are amazing at what you do. Sometimes I don’t always express this, or I let the doubts of others creep. I know that this is the most counter-productive thing possible. Your clientele is growing, always, and that is no small feat. I am proud of you for making a choice to get out of a job you hated and start something incredibly meaningful from bare bones. I know that you love it, too, and that is more valuable than anything. Your journey continues in the right directions. Think of all the people whose lives you have shaped for the better.

We will have our house this year, there is no doubt in my mind. And we will make it work for us, whatever way possible. I am tired of stressing over dollars and cents. It’s so ridiculous to me really. Yes, finances are important, but we will not let them rule our lives. It breaks my heart to think of how much we all let money influence us when in the end it will not matter.

And I come back to this poem again and again, that I wrote over two years ago. Time to change my perspective.


Air traffic control, hello?
ADD brain
Soaking the sun rays
Failing to live here, now.
Stressing over nothing
projections in my head.
Projects and ideas, ideas, ideas
That never materialize
Failure to prioritize
Lacking the clarity, depth, reflection
That would make me feel. more.
Second guessing.
Indecision.
Time slipping away…

Why is it not okay
to just slow down with the day?
Appreciate small wonders
Let go those impulse dreams
Of things, things, more things
For happiness and
self-esteem

no wonder your frustration,
so clear in these glimpses
You are all that is true and yet
Sometimes I feel such fury.
My catalogue self screams:
“AND WHY NOT?”
like the tropics can just
Absolve it all

You are so right in
How I’m so wrong.

And yet I still long for the salty calm of the ocean
“because people believe that they’re gonna get away for the summer”

But the time is whenever you are right then,
When you have all the world piled on your shoulders
And corrections up to your ears.
That is when you’re most alive,
When you will stop dead in your tracks one moment
And think how whole you’ve become, or rather
Have been all along and only just discovered.

Live for those rainy days
And quiet sighs
And priceless boring afternoons together.
And the lines on an insect’s back
And the purr of a kitten
And the wonder of your own creations
And all the things that make your soul
That have no price tag.
That can go with you, beyond.
Because all the rest just fades,
Remember?

And maybe all the stress you hold
In the small of your back
Is all the pent up anxiety of your own mortality
“Terror management theory”
And how you ought to smarten up.

....

May 2011 be the year of "smartening up" in the right ways.