Thursday, January 1, 2009

It's already 2009, how crazy is that? It seems impossible that an entire year has already come and gone, when I can remember last new year's eve with such haunting clarity. I remember going to Alex and Ryan's for supper, watching Dick Clark on TV, and feeling my heart break when I heard his slurred speech due to the stroke he had suffered. I never imagined that two days later, my father would also have a stroke. I remember standing at my desk making this page:

I was reflective, thinking of the year 2007 in review, and dreaming of all the possibilities that the new year would bring... and then, that very night, I was awakened in a panic by my mother's screams that my dad was lying helplessly on the kitchen floor, unable to move or speak properly, desperately needing an ambulance to come and save his life. So as we enter into this new year, I can't help be recall those very scary moments, and be thankful and amazed and humbled by how far we've come. My father has progressed amazingly, as we all have, but it has been a crazy roller-coaster ride that I wouldn't want anyone to have to embark on. But in the end I think it has made me into a stronger person, or at least I would like to think.

My word for 2008 was STEADFAST, and by all means, I believe that I stuck to that word. I clung to it as I travelled back and forth from work, school, and hospital, and grasped for it in the summer months when my father was perhaps in darkest moments of depression and despair. A word for an entire year perhaps seems cheesy or impossible to some, but I believe in its power, like a mantra you repeat to yourself, to ground you and give you strength.

I have been searching for my word for 2009. I am pensive at the moment, self-reflective. I want to be more conscientious. I want to think more about my thoughts and actions, and weigh them before jumping at conclusions too hastily. I want to be more in-tune with my spiritual side. I want to take more notice of positive things - I want them to define and take precedence in my life, rather than negativity. I want to escape old patterns. I don't want to fall into complacency, into blissful ignorance that may feel nice and easy in the moment, but will only lead to complications in the long run. I want to be more decisive in my thoughts, "I don't want ambivalence no more"... Now that my father is back home and things have settled down, I don't want us all to fall back into old patterns, forgetting the importance and significance of things that have passed. I want to be less materialistic, less consumeristic. These, in a nutshell, are my thoughts and reflections as we go into the new year. I have yet to find a nice little word that sums everything up. Perhaps my boyfriend can help me in that department.

I know, I know, too much rambling... I do have photos. And they will be uploaded, soonish (to borrow Barb's expression that I quite enjoyed).

I hope you all have a wonderful, healthy and happy new year!


Anonymous said...

Oh, no, not rambling ! I have loved reading your thoughts. I too want to be less materialistic and less consumeristic in 2009. I have been taken gradual steps towards that all year and now I really feel like 2009 will be much simpler and more rewarding to my family and I. Actually we are taking those steps together !
Your words have much thought and depth to them.

Happy New Year to you and your family, Ash !


Ruth said...

Well I can't wait to see what word you use to sum all that up,I might have to steal it !

I'm a believer that things happen for a reason for good and for bad and we may question why me but when you think hard about it I think a reason can always be found,whether it's what you want to admit or not.I am sure you are a much stronger person than you were a year ago.

Happy New year to you Ash :)

Katherine said...

Happy New Year Ashley - 2009 is full of Possibility, may it be a happy one!

Barb said...

I hope 2009 brings much less *excitement* and much more peace, sprinkled with a touch of love, to your household. I'm so pleased that your father is doing better, and I admire the strength and courage you've shown.

Happy new year to you and your family, Ashley!

maicher said...

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